Wasted. A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia. MARYA HORNBACHER . Wasted / 3 Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader January ISBN WASTED sirochaterfarm.tk Marya Hornbacher. Afterword to Wasted, edition The Letting Go In , I got myself a pair of good brown boots. PDF | The authors ran a discussion group at the Delaware Valley PA, using Marya Hornbacher's book Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and.
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Within one week, Marya loses twelve more pounds and is readmitted to the hospital on emergency status. This time Marya is sent to Lowe House, a residential treatment center where Marya comes closest to being healed.
As a result of her fear of facing herself, however, Marya lies about being molested as a child and sabotages her own recovery. After her release from Lowe House, Marya's anorexia begins to resurface slowly. Finally, while taking classes at American University, Marya drops to her lowest weight of 52 pounds.
Marya's father takes her to the hospital emergency room. Marya at first refuses to be checked in for treatment, but after realizing how weak she really is, signs herself into the hospital for treatment. Throughout her book, Marya analyzes her own eating disordered behavior.
She contends that eating disorders are not as simple as some people would like to think.
Finally, Marya describes the circumstances that finally convince her to check herself into a hospital for treatment. Even as an infant and child, Marya writes that she has strange eating habits. She has her first experience with bulimia when she is nine years old. No one has even talked to Marya about bulimia; she discovers on her own that there is a way to get rid of any food she has eaten.
Throughout her high school years, Marya suffers with bulimia. It is in her tenth-grade year when Marya attends a boarding school when she decides to make the transition to anorexia.
Immediately following this school year, she is hospitalized the first time for her disorder. Marya writes that instead of getting better while in treatment, she gets worse. She convinces her parents to let her go to California and live with her stepmother when she is released from treatment.
The choice, as always, is yours. Will you let it go? It is not a person, not a power greater than ourselves, not the god we have made it. It is an illness that seems in many ways to have taken on a life of its own. But in truth, the life we are living has always been ours. Most of us come to recovery kicking and screaming and digging our nails into sickness as we go.
So whether you feel like you are ready or not, you can make the decision to work toward healing. Is that all there is to it?
Of course not. Does it happen all on its own once you have made the decision? Obviously, no. The decision is to begin the work. I often hear that caveat, when people talk about recovery for themselves: But I know this will always be with me, to some extent… Says who?
Why did you believe them? That theory assumes that you are helpless in the face of your eating disorder. How does it feel be told you are helpless, unable to choose a life of your own, unable to take responsibility for who you are and what you can become?
Do you know the answer to those things yourself?
Do you know whether you can recover? Have you tried to live with the same ferocity, the same tenacity, the same passion and desperation with which you have tried to die?
But I know that I believed it for a long time, and went around licking my paws and telling myself that I could never really recover, never fully reclaim my life—and could therefore always keep one foot out the door. And by living I do not mean subsistence, a shadow of living, a shard. It will never be enough. Stop telling yourself that one day it might be enough, that one day you will learn survive by gnawing on a corner of life, curled up and growling in the corner of your cage. I do not want to live in a cage.
If this illness feels right now like a cage, please try to hear me: It has been open all along. You are free to go. The particulars are meaningless. The numbers, the sizes, the idiotic weights, the banal, boring litany we chant to ourselves that is supposed to give the precise measure of our bodies and therefore of our beings, how good, how well we fit into the little box we have assigned ourselves—the difference between my experience and that of someone else is negligible.
Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
We are all in a corner of hell. And we stay there because we believe it is all there is, for us, and that that all that we deserve.
An eating disorder is not something you have to prove to warrant concern, to warrant care. You warrant care.
You deserve respect. Demand it of yourself. The end. That we contain something of immeasurable value is something we will have to believe, to take on faith, rather than taking on faith that we are unworthy, all wrong, too flawed for respect and love, too flawed to even live. The fear is not of fat. The fear is of need, of hunger, of any desire, of life itself. The fear is of being human, and as such, imperfect, and as such, just mortal. Just a body, like everyone else.
That is the key. We are human. Until we find the middle ground between self-hatred and grandiosity, we will continue to careen back and forth, never moving forward, never making it past the relatively simplistic—and ultimately undeveloped— faith that we are perfectible, and can be something more than we are. That is the human condition, that is what we must accept, and that acceptance affords us peace. We cannot be better than human. To suppose we can is wildly arrogant, and will keep us stuck and sick.
It will never prove our power. It will prove only that we are unable, or unwilling, to accept that we are neither better nor worse than anyone else. And part of the process of moving forward to peaceful acceptance—a critical part, not one we can skim or skip—is cleaning up our mess. The first thing we have to restore is our literal, physical strength, and that requires us to face this simple fact: Face it, or you fight it, and that is absurd.
Your body deserves no abuse. Be kind to it, and it will serve you well. The body is remarkable, resourceful and resilient. Health felt really odd at first.
Wasted A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
But by , I had let go of the desire for and ridiculous pride in feeling sick, in being seen as sick, in dizziness and collapse and the pursuit of an image of frailness—which frankly is really ass-backwards and weird.
And I hate to say it, but the process of reversing a pride in sickness and taking instead a confidence in strength involved incredibly simple work: Whatever works.
I used affirmations. The goddamn.
Till I was tired of them beyond belief. I had suckered myself into believing a total crock of shit. And I needed to learn the truth. I threw out my scale. When I bought another one, I threw that one out too. I kept doing this until the absurdity of it outstripped the anxiety I felt without having a way to measure something totally irrelevant. After all this time? When I have a full-length mirror, I still fall into it like falling off a log, easy as that.
And oh my god is it an unbelievable waste of my time. So I skip it, even now. And as for clothes—when I knew my weight was going to change I bought a new set of clothes I figured I would grow into, and I cut out the tags. Now, I figure, as long as my clothes fit, good. Sizes are entirely random. Consignment shops are cheap.
These are easy tasks. They are not comfortable. They are scary at first. You will learn the language. You will begin to feel at home, eventually you will navigate it easily and make it utterly your own. Be patient. I needed as much therapy as I could get. When I could, I sought out therapists who would call me out, would not coddle me, and would demand that I tell, and work through, the truth, first of illness, and then of personal challenge, and then of ethical growth.
I wanted someone who would collaborate with me on attaining real recovery, and help me understand that it was time— and I was entirely able—to find it for myself. I quit drinking, because oh my god what a mess.
Addiction in any form will take you out. I got an enormous amount of help, I clung to the rope of that support and of my own faith in life, and I climbed out. The work of recovery—which is, for me, a comprehensive recovery, having less to do with the finer points of a given addiction and more to do with trying to be a decent person—continues today.
One of its effects had been, of course, an exacerbation of the eating disorder. So getting the mental disorder itself in check was a critical part of my recovery. I needed to learn to live by example. That meant I needed people in my life who lived in a way that I admired, who had some ethical structure that I respected, who were doing work they loved, and laughing a lot, and being patient with themselves, and dealing with the hard stuff with some measure of grace.
So, as one century moved into the next, as I left my twenties—with massive relief—I surrounded myself also with women and men who could teach me. I began to learn not only how much I did not know about living—not exactly a comfortable realization—but how great the capacity for human development really is. And I learned from them to accept change, to deal with loss and anger and enormous grief, to feel overwhelmed but not be overwhelmed.
They taught me, in the end, to give back. Mistakes, my friends, were made. That is, in the end, a good thing. I need to be able to make those mistakes without letting fear destroy me all over again. I need to be able fall over, get up, keep going, holler for help, move on, transform, fuck up, withstand, and grow.
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Full recovery depends on giving ourselves permission to live. And that will require us to answer a few questions: Why do we live?I was four, maybe five years old, in dance class. There is no sense.
Contrary to the charts that slated me for imminent expiration, I have not, to the best of my knowledge, expired. I sat in front of my mother's bathroom mirror singing and playing dress up by myself, digging through my mother's huge magical box of stage makeup that sighed a musty perfumed breath when you opened its brass latch. If structured treatment is available to you—whether inpatient or outpatient—the initial stages should involve medical assessment and stabilization; nutritional counseling and support; psychiatric evaluation; and some form of talk therapy, usually a blend of modalities.
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